An opinion about the "affair fog"

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Yesterday, 03:49 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 1,174	Quote: I always interpretted the fog to be the fantasy. You know the your great, I'm great, destiny, soul mates etc. The fog relates to many relationships besides affairs. Think back to when you first met your SO. Before all the flaws and day to day life. Exactly. That's why I agree with Complexity's post. Okay so we all know about dopamine and phenethylamine and oxytocin and all the love chemicals. So that just proves they were falling in love. They chose to date while married and then fell in love. Maybe with another liar and deceiver, but maybe they like looking in that mirror and seeing themselves reflected back. The fog is Bulldokey. After Dday I asked my husband if he would be okay with us having an open relationship so I can have some new love feelings too. He went ballistic. So they know dating while married is treading on treacherous turf.
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Yesterday, 03:56 PM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 1,174	Quote: .. I saw a quote on another forum that has really stuck with me, it was in regards to a WS who declared their undying love to their online AP.....and this posters response was...... "that is one elastic definition of love, one stretched so thin as to become meaningless"........ How do we feel important to them when at one time we were considered "throw away" for the AP. I stuggled with feeling less than and used and all manner of other issues. The fact is if the affair was meaningless. (my OW tried that bulldokey on me too) Than that is very insulting. They risked a good relationship for one that is meaningless. As far as being thrown away, the cheater also throws the affair partner away once outed. IMO, cheaters are the type that throw people away when they no longer meet their every need. A high percentage of cheaters have personality disorders. Most of these are not curable. One book I read likened an affair to a car crash. The author said, in the aftermath everyone crawls out bloody, or dying or scarred for life. Adult minds realize that and choose not to bring a third party into a marriage.
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Yesterday, 05:40 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 194	Quote: I'm not a believer of the whole "fog" notion either. It's a cop-out imo. It essentially minimizes the affair to a chemical imbalance and takes away a lot of blame from the WS. Ever since joining up to this site, I?ve struggled with the notion of ?the fog? as well and for this reason. I do not like the idea of providing a cop-out/ removing their responsibility for the affair one bit. Not in the least. Well said. A WS might be able to say, ?It wasn?t me, it was ?the fog? and I wasn?t thinking...? Alternatively, the BS might try to remove some of the blame for the betrayal by the WS by putting it on ?the fog?. However, the fact that the WS made a conscious choice to cross boundaries so much that they?d experience the fog and then cheat is damning enough and makes that excuse impossible for me to accept. Once you realize you're starting to develop inappropriate feelings or temptations to cheat, then you definitely need to wake the f#ck up and cease and desist. It?s like someone getting drunk and physically abusing their spouse. Sure, the intoxication might have aided in their inability to remain in control, however they chose to drink and put themselves in a situation where they?d lose control in the first place. I have no patience and no empathy for such an excuse.
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Yesterday, 05:51 PM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 58	I don't know, I remember the initial periods of falling in love, you get pretty stupid in some respects. That's the chemicals at work. I agree the culpability comes in blowing past the stop signs at the beginning. Is it understandable? I think so, I could see how it can happen. Is it justifiable, no, not in the least. But we are human, we have weakness, we can be worn down by circumstances. We can fail, quite spectacularly. Even the best of us can fail. Does that make it ok? No, not really. Does that make it acceptable, no, not really. Sometimes we have to accept the unacceptable, for whatever reason. Maybe to prevent greater harm, maybe to keep from going crazy, whatever. If I can understand what happened to the best of my ability, if I can take the hard lessons available, and I can move forward and live a more positive, more fulfilling life, then I think that's good. If I can accept that my spouse made mistakes, made bad choices, accepted faulty premises, that she hurt me deeply, but that she is not inherently bad, that she isn't fundamently damaged or deficient. Well then I can find it in myself to forgive, and I benefit from that. I let go of the pain, and the blame, and the suffering, I choose to stop being eaten up from within. And I choose to live, to go forward, to be happier. Not stupid mind you, she knows it's a one shot deal, a reoccurence would change all that in an instant. We both have to work to keep from letting our marriage drift off course, to stay engaged, to not become irritable roommates with children and a mortgage. In the context of 1 time, fog makes sense to me, more than that, and you're dealing with an addict at best, maybe a sociopath at worst, and all bets are off.
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